wow. 430 a.m. and just coming down from purim craziness. tonight i drank--i drank for so many reasons, none of which truly justify my super drunkenness that was, but there were o so many reasons to drink.
i drank tonight, thinking of ilan tokayer z"l, who died a mere 2 weeks ago, suddenly, so tragically. i drank for his wine that he was making, for all the wine he had hopes and dreams of making. i drank, thinking of the family in itamar, a family whose 5 members were brutally murdered in their sleep, and i drank..for japan, and all their 15000 who perished in moments in the wake of a natural disaster.
disasters personal, national and universal. all within the month of adar. a month that is supposed to be filled with joy, increased happiness. and yet, yet, there is such pain. such bad. such evil. and just not understanding any of it. why is there such evil? ilan was such an amazing guy, with so much left to give, so many dreams unfulfilled, and was taken so suddenly. why??!! why was a family cut down so horrifically? where is the good? how am i supposed to understand, to continue to praise G-d, to be happy?!!!
i think..well, i think life is complicated. and there are no answers. i drank tonight, to try to get to the place of the "beyond knowing." i wanted to see the bigger picture, to somehow glimpse a piece of G-d's crazy tapestry.
i cant say that that happened. what did happen was that i was a witness to a lot of love, a lot of goodness. and i like to think that somehow..somehow, we are still here as a people for a reason.
i think of tali ben yishai, the mother of ruti fogel hy"d (from itamar) and the grandmother of 3 precious neshamot that were snuffed out so cruelly. in an interview, all she spoke about was that she might not be their mother but she has a lot of love to give. going to the shiva and speaking with her, i was witness to the hundreds of ppl who had come, to show their lovr and support. and before i left, i told her am yisrael from around the world send their love, and support and are standing behind them-- at which point, she started crying, and grabbed my hand and wouldnt let me go. i realized, as sad as she was, that my words had an even more important message than i knew. my message was one of love. that in the midst of all this horror and cruelty and evil, there exists some love.
listening to the megillah was just listening to our history and our present. but i kept on thinking, there is a reason for all this. somehow, amongst all odds, we are still here. even tho all wish to destroy us, we're still around. and if you read news reports about "settlers" helping palestinans give birth just days after they were attacked, well then, you have some sense of why we are still here. because our desire for life, our desire for love and good, is what keeps us going. that is our life force.
tonight, dancing drunk with lots of girls, it was amazing to see the love that emanated from everyone. those who helped their friends in bad places, even when it was disgusting--that is the ability to go beyond oneself--that love, that is eternal.
i am blessed to be part of this nation. as much as i might not understand G-d's plans for me, for my friends, for my nation--i believe that we are here to make this world a better place. and that we can bring so much light into this world.
layehudim hayta ora v'simcha v'sasson v'ikar--we have joy and light because we are the bearers of the light!!
may we be blessed to one day understand, to see how everything is ONE, and to love, to love so deeply.