This week has been one of the most unsettling, emotionally draining weeks I've ever experienced. The fear. The vulnerability. The anxiety. The knowledge and feeling that there are people in the world who want you to be brought in "black body bags" and who want to kill you in any way possible.
It takes a toll. The 5 people who died. The thousands of children who will suffer from this trauma for years and years; who wet their beds at age 7, and who cant sleep at night. The parents; who put on such good faces, who are brave and strong for their children, but who just want to cry to sleep every night for the pain and anguish and the helplessness they feel. The adults, who feel paralyzed to do anything, or go anywhere because fear has taken over their lives.
It's funny. The people I know DO feel for the innocent loss of life on the Palestinian side as well. As the most moral, humane army in the world, we do everything in our power to avoid their deaths. But at the same time, we also know that we must do what needs to be done. And that is protecting our citizens.
It has baffled me this past week, all the people posting their liberal leftist views. Yes, everyone is entitled to their own views. But, for one moment- how can you possibly compare us to Hamas? Most agree that not ALL Palestinians are evil people; the ones who want to live in peace with us, we'll gladly be your friends. The problem becomes that their leaders do NOT want peace, they do everything they can to abort peace. The leftists seem to be unaware of history- and all the compromises we have made in the past in the name of peace. And yet, and yet, we have never been given peace. Even most secular leftists in Israel have given up on the idea of "land for peace" as it is something we have tried for so long in the past, and have never been rewarded with peace. We have given back so much land, and have not received peace in return. So what exactly doesn't the world understand? Why do they think we haven't tried the peace thing? We gave them all of Gaza, gave them the opportunity to build a real society, gave them millions of shekels, dollars, euros- in order to create a flourishing society. And instead- they build warehouses for rockets, and rocket launchers, all of Gaza becomes a battlefield. What does the world want from us? We offered them 97% of the West Bank, and they chose to begin the Intifada 12 years ago. I'm just not sure where else there is for us to go, what other options are left. It's depressing, this thought process.
And yet..some silver linings to be found in all this darkness . The statuses from the facebook world, able to take a horrible situation, and paint it pretty. The memes that make you laugh. The song written for the children in the south dancing about "Color Red" with smiles on their faces in order to cope.The soldiers preparing for war by singing songs about belief in G-d. The pictures of us treating Gazan patients in our hospitals. The radio broadcasts that talk about G-d and the beauty of Shabbat by secular broadcasters. The overwhelming hospitality displayed by the entire country in housing residents of the South, to give them some respite for Shabbat. The unity displayed by our people. An incredible light shining in the darkness.
And then, the ceasefire. Words that created such anger, disappointment, sense of betrayal. Wanting to finish what we started. Wanting to bring quiet to the south(and to Tel Aviv and Jerusalem). Feeling that we were duped. Feeling that we lost a real opportunity. Feeling that our citizens are not being protected. Wanting. Wanting to believe that there is a reason behind it all. NEEDING to believe there is a reason behind it all. A greater plan. That Netanyahu knows what he's doing. That G-d is really with us.
We pray every day. For peace. The Messianic vision is for peace. We want it just as badly as the "Peace Now" activists, yet we want it when its REAL.When it LASTS. When it doesnt mean being scared to ride on buses, when it doesnt mean fearing for your life when you get into bed. We want peace. So so badly. And yet..I feel like this time, it needs to come from on high. Maybe that's why we always pray that G-d grant us peace. We've done our effort- now its YOUR turn, G-d. You need to help us in this.
And in the meantime, we need to continue to do the things that increase light in the world, as we have shown that we do so well. Because there is too much darkness. Even if it's unilateral. Because eventually, the light will be so blinding there wont be any room for the darkness.
Need to sleep. Need to rest my mind. Falling asleep at the computer, to songs of peace on the radio channel...soothing, calming, hoping for a better day, a better tomorrow...when we will sit on our terrace, and children will play tag..עוד תראה, עוד תראה כמה טוב יהיה בשנה הבאה ("just wait and see, how much better next year will be") Waiting for that day...