some late night thoughts this purim -

Corona. Community. Epicenter. Upside down-ness. Apartness. Quarantine.

Everything that feels so inexplicably not Purim.

This Purim feels impossibly hard to celebrate and feel joy. And it reminds me of one, less than 10 years ago; where just 2 weeks before I lost a good friend suddenly, without warning. There was a terrorist attack just mere days before, where a terrorist entered a home and killed 5 family members over Shabbat; and then there was the tsunami in Japan that wiped out 15,000 in mere hours. It was a Purim that felt impossible to dance; impossible to feel any kind of “joy.” What is joy in a time of uncertainty; in a time of pain; of sadness; of fear and anxiety?

That year, I drank. I drank for my friend in honor of the wine he was in the middle of making in California vineyards; for all the wine he had hopes and dreams of making (especially in Israel); I drank because I didn’t understand. I drank because the words “עד דלא ידע” have us drinking to a place of “not knowing “ - more accurately,; drinking to a place where we don’t know the difference between Haman and Mordechai. What does that even mean? I think it means that we are drinking to a place “beyond knowing”, where we look around us at the world, at the upside down ness, and we have all the questions, and we can take a moment and recognize that maybe, just maybe, there is something to the not knowing. Because in the not knowing, there is no difference betw good and evil; it all becomes one. And this oneness becomes all-powerful - for just a moment in our drunken haze, we can get a glimpse of the Divine - of the back of G-d’s crazy tapestry, that is woven all together.

It was in those moments of some crazy drunkenness, that I was able to wrap my head around the power of the “lo yada”, the power of the not knowing. And it is this that gives me strength during this time -

Working as a chaplain in the very ICU at the epicenter of this virus ,and being on the double end of this thing; in my Jewish community, which finds itself at the center as well--I have been witness to both the fear, and anxiety that this unknown has caused - that there are things beyond knowing; this virus is so powerful in that we literally just throw our hands (washed of course) up and say “we have no idea what is happening right now” - and and and --in the same breath, we see the power and the sense of Oneness that this unknowingness has created - the sense of community; of humanity. That we’re all in this together. That we might not understand G-d’s crazy world, but we can reach out to each other with love and compassion - and that that is created in this space of unknownness.

I was blessed to witness this tonight - when my friends who are journeying with me in a crazy year of transformation, healing and growth in our chaplaincy program- stopped by the door with amazing care baskets for my kiddos who are quarantined (including costumes for purim!) - coming from people who dont even celebrate Purim, but who know what it means to be compassionate, loving humans--

It is this Oneness that becomes all the more clear, in the beyond knowing-ness. I bless us to stay healthy, loving, compassionate, and to be able to see the beauty and power in the לא ידע, the not knowingness of our world.